Let me start at the beginning.. I have had thousands of thoughts running through
my mind and I think, after over 2 weeks of trying to sort through them, I am able
to put them in some kind of order so that they make sense... What I am about to
write is my opinion and thoughts ONLY and some may seem a bit crude. I am
warning you BEFORE I type a single word because I am just going to let the words
fall as they may.. I apologize in advance if I hurt anyone's feelings, especially my
family and I love you!

November 14, 2000 - Today I got the dreaded call.. My brother died, in his own
home they think sometime sunday night while watching tv. This was quite a surprise
since his death came after only 8 months of battling colon cancer, but it was also
a relief. Today he was to go to my parents house to live while going through
more intense treatments. My mother had tried to call him for a few days with no
answer and decided she would go check on him. When she arrived at the house,
the police were already there. He died peacefully on his futon watching tv, where
he wanted to be. My mother and I talked on the phone for a while and she reassured
me that he was in a better place and he was no longer suffering. After I got off
the phone with her, I called Chuck at work and gave him the news and told him to
get the ball rolling so we could go up for the funeral. Well, within hours everything
was set. We would be leaving the next night. God rest your soul Johnny.. I love
you!

November 15, 2000 - Well, I have been packing all day. I have been doing pretty
good as far as not crying. Don't get me wrong. I love my brother with all my heart
and I miss him and know there will be times <especially holidays> that I will miss
him even more but again, at this point, it's a relief. My biggest fear right now is how
I will react at the funeral. They still don't know if it will be open or closed casket.
I'm hoping it's closed. We left the house about 8:30 or so and we arrived at
Chuck's mom's about 1:30am. We will rest here for the night and then tomorrow
night we will drive the other half.

November 16, 2000 - Chuck's parents really loved seeing Alex. He has grown
so much since they saw him in May. He's not even 2 yet and he's the size of a 3
year old when it comes to height. CHuck's parents went to work late and Alex
and I just hung around the house while Chuck slept. I did do a really stupid thing
though. Alex and I went outside to play for a little bit and I noticed he was
tripping over things more than usual.. Well, I look down at his feet and realize I
put his shoes on the wrong feet! I just started laughing...

November 17, 2000 - We left Chuck's parent's house about 9 last night and
arrived at my parents around 2am... We finally got to sleep around 6am
because my parents were having so much fun playing with Alex and we
couldn't get him to sleep anyways.. The funeral was held today at 2 and
then again at 7.. We arrived at the first service around 1:30. It was a closed
casket but they opened it up so the immediate family could see.. I was standing
about 30 ft away from him when they opened it but still saw his face. I couldn't
bring myself to go up there but when I saw his face I started crying. It was so
weird seeing the kid I grew up with just laying there, lifeless.. The second
viewing was pretty much the same thing with one small quirk.. My half brother
showed up this time. I had overheard that he was supposed to be at the first
viewing and when he didn't show up, I was relieved but, alas, he showed! When
I saw him, I got the worst feeling in my gut and just had to get out of there.
Chuck had taken Alex outside because he was getting a little obnoxious so
I decided to go out and talk to Chuck. Well, when I got out there I started
crying.. I didn't want to go back in there. I thought I had forgiven him for what
he had done to me as a child but seeing him brought it all back to me..
I guess I still have a lot of soul searching to do. Needless to say, Chuck, Alex
and I went back into the funeral home and I just stayed as far way from my
half brother as possible.

November 19, 2000 - Yesterday wasn't really anything spectacular.. Today
we all went to my brother's house to clean it out some.. I finally got too stressed
out today and finally lost it on the way back to my parent's house.. Timing was
horrible.. Poor Chuck.. All he could do was drive and listen.. But we did talk
which made me feel a lot better...

November 20, 2000  - Today we went shopping.. We had so much to pack the
car with.. It's amazing we packed as much as we did.. There were a lot of clothes
we were able to get from my brother's house that we had to leave at my parents
house but they will be sending them to us sometime.. We left my parent's house
about 10:30pm and got to Chuck's parent's around 3:30am... Luckily this time,
Chuck put Alex on the couch and that's where he stayed until morning..

November 21, 2000 - Outside of leaving for home tonight, the most interesting
thing that happened today was that Alex broke something in Chuck's parent's
house.. Ok.. Let me explain something.. Chuck's parents have a beautiful home..
They have both worked very hard for everything they have and I am almost
afraid to breathe when I am there, much less have Alex running around, as
most everything is very breakable...Well, Alex and I were getting ready to take
a bath in the master bathroom since the tub is much bigger and easier for
Alex AND I to fit.. Well, I barely get in the bathroom and Alex trips and hits
one of the ceramic statues, which comes crashing down, almost on top of him..
All I could do was pick Alex up and to make sure he was ok and then realizing he
was unharmed, I panicked.. I was sure his mom would kill me.. Well, after
crying histerically for about an hour or so, I finally took Alex into the smaller
bathroom and stopped crying.. Chuck eventually got up with his mom and told
her what happened.. She was very upset but she wasn't going to kill me.. hehehe
I still feel bad...

November 22, 2000 - We finally made it back home.. We left Chuck's parent's
house about 9 last night and got here around 2.. The traffic was pretty bad until
we got into NC.. I am so glad to be back home and in my own bed.. And now we
can get Alex back on a schedule.. Luckily, he bounces back pretty quick so it
should only take a day or two..

November 23, 2000 - HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! I was bound and determined
to have turkey and corn bread stuffing!! After cooking for most of the day,
the food was wonderful!!! I hada little bit of turkey and stuffing and even had
a little homemade gravy on it.. I ate what I coudl and put the rest of my plate
in the fridge for later.. I even made some mock cheesecake for dessert which
I actually had later on for a snack.. There was NO WAY I was eating anymore
after my meal.. I wasn't stupid enough to even try..

November 25, 2000 - Today is 1 month since my surgery! I weighed in at .....
<drum roll> 280!!!!! I have lost a total of 28 lbs in 4 short weeks and I feel
WONDERFUL!!! My feet, legs and hips don't hurt anymore, I have not taken
a single puff of my inhaler since the day of surgery, my clothes are starting
to get looser on me and I can actually wrap my fingers around my wrist
again.. I still don't have the energy in the mornings I have heard so much
about but then again, I have never been a morning person anyway.. There
are also a few "fringe" benefits I have found in the last week or so that I
won't mention since young kids <or parents> might be reading <wink>..
after only 4 weeks I am back to drinking the way I always did with the
difference being that I drink all day instead of guzzling every few hours..
But, I can drink quite a bit at once as long as they are small sips.. The
best thing i have found is that I can eat anything I want, at least so far..
I thought this would be a curse but it's really not.. I have only had a few
cravings but they have all been healthy ones.. I have started getting
nausous a few times but I don't think it's from the foods i am eating.. It
feels like "morning sickness" so I might have to go on the estrogen patch
since I know I am not pregnant.. The weight loss most definately has my
hormones all messed up.. I have an appointment on Dec 1 so I will talk to
my Dr then.. As far as WHAT I am eating, just to give you a small taste
<pun intended>, I have had milk, although I found that whole milk was
like drinking oil so I switched to 1% and it was perfect, cheese and other
dairy products, peanut butter, McDonald's cheeseburger with pickles
and onions minus the bread <got hungry while we were out, NOT
something I would have veryday>, Burgery King chicken fingers with
BBQ sauce <again, got hungry while out, started taking snacks with us>,
corn bread stuffing, gravy, hot and spicy Chex Mix, BBQ pork ribs and
pizza with pepperoni and mushrooms!! I ate about 1/2 slice of the pizza
and only about 1/4 of the crust.. I just ate a bunch of toppings... I also
took a napkin and pushed it down on the slice to take a lot of the grease
off.. That comes to another subject.. GREASE!!! One great benefit to this
surgery is that your body does NOT absorb a lot if not all of the fats
you intake!! It's really great for weight loss but please warn your
significant others if they are in the bathroom with you!!! That's all I will
say about that!