Welcome to my pre-op diary.. This is where I write down all my thoughts
about this journey I am about to take.. Some of these entries may seems a bit harsh
but please remember that these are my thoughts and feelings on what is happening
to me, as they happen.. Well, here we go..

The Thoughts of a Fat Person

The thoughts of a fat person.. Wow... That's a deep subject.. No one really knows what
goes on in the mind of one who is overweight. I'm not talking about someone who
weighs about 10 lbs more than they should, I mean someone who is truly fat! We get to
learn how to deceive people very early on. We get to learn how to make everyone
around us believe that everything is just fine in the world and that we are happier than
we could ever be but inside we are dying. Our thoughts about ourselves eat away at
us like cancer. We lie in bed at night wanting to cry because of the thoughts that run
through our minds and although some of us do most of us are too afraid to let our
true feelings show because we are in complete denial. Or maybe it's because we
don't want our significant others to think any less of us. If we act positive about
ourselves, they will too, right? Well, it's time for me to stop the lies not only to myself
but to everyone around me. I am miserable. I am tired all the time, I have no energy, I
can't even walk to get the mail without getting out of breath, I can't rough house
without having an asthma attack, if I wanted to go on a plane, I wouldn't be able
to fit in the coach seats comfortably, and forget going down those tiny isles! The list
goes on and on.. I want to be able to enjoy life to it's fullest but, when you are fat
it's not that easy. Sure, everyone says, "Just go on a diet!" Well gee, it's really hard to
go on a diet when you are hungry all the time because your body has gotten so used
to eating all the time.. Dieting causes a vicious cycle that many thin people don't
understand, or maybe they just don't want to.. You go on a diet and do good for a
few days.. Then you begin the "I'm obsessed with weighing myself" phase either
by getting on a scale and getting your actual weight or put on clothes to see how
they fit now.. Then either you've either stayed the same or you might have even
gained another pound because you don't realize that you have on different clothes
or maybe you've taken it this time toward the end of the day instead of closer to the
morning hours so you get discouraged.. Well, when we get discouraged we get
depressed.. When we get depressed, we eat.. When we eat, we gain.. When we
gain, we diet.. You get the idea.. Dieting is really for those who eat one or two
too many snacks and need to lose a pound or two.. Then they don't have to make
a major life change.. I like many others have been on my share of diets from
weight watchers to prescription drugs to herbs. Dieting does NOT work! It's not only
the action of over eating but the physical ability to over eat and never become full
or never feel satisfied. That's where gastric bypass comes in. Gastric bypass is a way
for people like us to gain control over our bodies again and say, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!
It gives us a chance to start our lives over in a way that nothing else has been able
to do. There are so many things I want to do in my future.. When my son grows up, I
want to be able to play with him, I want to be able to get on a roller coaster
without worrying if i will fit, I want my son to grow up without worrying about
getting picked on because his mother is a fat slob! Besides that, I want to be able
to walk anywhere i want to without worrying about if I will be able to breath by
the time I get there, I want to be able to go on a trip no matter how I would get
there, and even if I don't actually take the trip, I will have the satisfaction of knowing
that I could if I wanted to. I want to be able to walk through the house without
running into everything along the way. I want to be able to sit on the floor without
worrying about how the hell I am going to get up once I'm down there. I want to
be able to have sex in ANY position without worrying if I am too big for it to work.
I want to be able to sit on a porch swing without worrying if i am going to break it.
I want to look down and actually see my feet without having to bend over. I want
to be able to tie my shoes without holding my breath. I want to be able to go to a
thrift store or discount store and pick something off the rack and actually be able
to wear it instead of only wishing I was that small. And damnit, if and when I do
get pregnant again, I want people to actually see that I am pregnant instead of just
looking like I am getting fatter! There are so many more that I can't even think of
right now.. I'm tired of looking like this and I'm tired of feeling like this.. I know there
is a thin body hiding under all of this fat.. I just need to be able to get to it so I can
show it off!