Thank you for visiting my small hole in the web! Let me start by telling
you a little about myself.. I am 25 years old, I am 5'3" and weight <at last
count> 311 #'s!! I am also a mother of a beautiful son, Alex  and a soon
to be wife to my wonderful fiancé, Chuck!! For the most part, I love my
life.. But, I hate myself!
 

The Beginning

I was born on December 15th, 1974 in New Jersey.. Until the age of five,
I was skinny.. Then I began school and all hopes of being a thin kid went
out the window.. My parents worked very hard to keep a roof over
mine and my brother's heads and food on the table.. And because my
parents would be gone before I would go to school, I would go to my
grandfather's house so I could finish sleeping, eat breakfast and then
get ready for school... Now, before I go any further, I need to say
something here.. My grandfather was a VERY spiteful man.. I was his
little girl and NO ONE was going to take me away from him.. Not
friends, not boys, nothing!! Anyway, I could remember many mornings
after taking my bath, I would sit down to watch my morning cartoons
and he would bring me anywhere from 1/2 pound to a pound of
bacon and a little bowl of applesauce.. This was my breakfast.. If it
wasn't this it was chocolate cream of wheat <not the choc-o-wheat they
have now either>!! This was the good stuff.. I would eat 3 packets.. Then
he would hand me a pocketful of change <usually at least $7-$10 in nickels,
dimes and quarters at one time> and he would bring me to the store to get
soda, candy, gum, whatever.. As I got older the only thing that changed was
that I would walk or ride my bike to school.. This went on from the day I
began kindergarten to the day he died in 1990! I loved him at most
times more than my parents.. He gave me anything my little heart
desired.. "What Theresa wants, Theresa gets!", he would say!! He never
knew how much he was hurting me inside and neither did I.. Now
mind you, I knew I was getting fatter and fatter.. and every time I would
get upset about kids picking on me, he would give me ice cream or some
other "goodie".. Food became my comfort..
 

The Circus

I remember one time that was especially humiliating.. My grandfather
had taken me to the circus and I wanted so bad to go in the "moon
walk".. This was a giant "blow-up" room and you had to take your shoes
off to go in because it was like going inside of a giant raft.. I remember
watching how much fin all the other kids were having and I wanted to
go in this thing so bad.. So, my grandfather and I went up to the man
and asked how much it would cost.. "I'm sorry but she's too big to go in
here!", the man said.. I was crushed.. I could have walked away at this
point with *some* pride but I told my grandfather that i wanted to go on
the elephant.. So, we walked over to the elephant and my grandfather
actually asked the man if I was too big!!!! I was mortified!!! This was
probably one of my worst childhood memories..
 

Grammar School

I can remember the first time I realized how big I was when my
kindergarten teacher told me I was "chubby", And, she didn't say it in
a concerned way. She said it more as a snide remark.. In first grade, I
began soccer.. It was hard work but, I loved every minute of it.. After
weeks of practice and running around the field hundreds of times, I was
in my grandfather's backyard and twirling around like wonder woman
<who was my hero at the time> and my foot hit a hold and I broke my
ankle the day before my first game.. Well, there went any chance of playing
soccer.. I made it ok to the fifth grade, then all hell broke loose.. I got the
worst teacher in the entire school.. This man always chose one kid to pick
on every year and guess what.. I was it!! By the middle of the year my
report card showed I was failing all subjects but, I was getting A's on
my tests and bringing in all my homework and getting A's on that too..
It was impossible.. Well, I came down with some kind of virus or
something and was out of school for 2 days.. When I went back this
teacher asked for a note and I apologized and told him that I would
bring one in the next day.. Well, I went home and told my mother as
soon as I walked through the door that I needed a note and the next
day I carried it with me.. When the teacher asked for it, I went to hand it
to him and he told me to put it on his desk and I did.. Well, days later he
called my mother in to tell her how poorly I was doing in school and
happened to bring up that I had not brought in a note he specifically
asked for.. My mother freaked out and asked me where the note
went.. I told her what happened and was told to "go find it!".. I walked
over to his desk and fumbled through the papers and drawers.. Well,
when I found the note in the trash can, my mother proceeded to tell this
jerk that I would NOT be coming back to school until my class was
changed! Two weeks later, I went back to school..

That was the beginning of the rest of my life, and not in such a good way..
Because of all the problems this teacher had with me, the school had me going
to the counselor as well as the child study team, psychiatrists, psychologists,
neurologists, etc.. I had a whole slew of tests done on me.. I can remember
sitting at a table with a woman sitting in front of me and telling me numbers..
She would give me 6 numbers and when she was done, I had to say them
backwards.. I passed every time! Then I went to the psychiatrist.. Damned
if he didn't say I had ADD!!! HERE'S the problem!! I really hate quacks!
And yes.. I honestly believe he was one.. While all this was going on,
I had been molested by my (half)brother <not the one mentioned
above!> a few times also.. Thought I might mention that..

Well, from that point on, my life in grammar school was hell! I can't tell
you how many times I got beat up.. And it was always by boys... Well,
fortunately, I didn't turn to drugs and alcohol but, I did start smoking
when I was 9 <although I didn't know how to inhale 'til I was 12> and
I began having sex.. I would go out with a guy for a few days and decide
I was in love with him and have sex.. They told me they loved me.. And,
most of the time they would actually stick around for a while afterwards..
There were even a few times I would tell them no and they just kept
bugging me and bugging me.. Saying they loved me and they really
wanted to show me that they loved me.. So, hey, they loved me, right??
I would give in.. Now they call it date rape.. It made me feel even worse
inside.. This was the only way I could feel worth anything.. And for the
record, I am in no way shape or form proud of my past..
 

High School

The principal of the school even went so far as to tell me and my
mother that I would never make it in a Catholic high school which
was the school of my choice because I wouldn't know anyone
and I would get a better education.. Well, I began high school in September
of '89.. There were many rumors going around about me in grammar
school and unfortunately they followed me thanks to two girls that
happened to choose the same school.. Guess I wasn't meant to get
away from my past as I would have liked to.. I tried very hard to keep
my spirits up but, I was a freshmen in a completely different surrounding
than I was used to and I didn't know anyone..  I didn't get along with the
sophmores at all and by the middle of the school year I was being
followed around by groups of people and being called " hotdog" because
one of the rumors that was going around was that I did not so nice
things with a frozen hotdog.. There was also one going around that I
was pregnant.. This one amazed me because it lasted for 4 years.. Hmmm...
Is that a world record?!?!?! hehehe.. I made it through freshmen and
sophmore year as this mostly quiet and shy girl who was on the bowling
team <not the most popular sport but, I loved it>.. Something broke in me..
I went into my junior year as a different person.. I was tired of the
humiliation I had been enduring for 2 years and I was not going to take
it anymore.. I began standing up for myself and even went up against the
quarterback who was about 350 and 6'3 or so.. I was only about 240 at this
time.. Hmm.. only.. I wish I could say that now.. Anyway, in May of  '93,
I graduated.. It was hard to finish school with all I had been through but,
I was NOT going to show my principal he was right!!
 

First Time on My Own

I began using the computer more and more after I graduated and found
BBS's.. I made some pretty good friends on and offline with this and had
guys coming after me left and right.. These were guys who had never seen
me but it still made me feel really good.. I met a few friends and started
hanging out with them.. Then I met my boyfriend.. He was a young Meatloaf
look alike and I thought he was so cute.. My parents and I began fighting
<the rebellious years> and I began spending more and more time with
my boyfriend.. First falling asleep on the couch over night and then
spending the night for weeks at a time.. I was only around the corner
and I didn't even go see my parents at times.. I can't imagine what I put
my parents through.. Well, we started having major problems.. He
would go out "gaming" every night and when he did come home it
wasn't until the next afternoon, he quit school <he was only 16, I was
18> and his mother blamed it on me, his mother went shopping 3 times
in 6 months and we never had food beyond 4 days each time, I was
working but only getting paid about $120 a week and by the time I paid my
car insurance and rent, I had maybe $5 left to my name for gas.. There was
a whole month I lived on NOTHING but those long ice pops that you
can get like 50 for a buck.. That was a pretty good diet.. I lost about 30-40
pounds in that month.. But, it was not by choice.. I couldn't handle it
anymore.. I needed to get out.. Well, I met a man on the computer.. He lived
in NC and he made it sound so beautiful.. He had a beach front condo
and would let me listen to the waves and tell me about the dolphins
playing.. I fell in love, or so I thought..
 

I Get Married

April '94 I got on a plane for NC and began living with this man.. I won't
get into detail but, I will say that I was a stupid 19 year old little girl who
thought she knew what she wanted... I was so very wrong.. I wanted so
much to get married, have kids and be a housewife/stay at home mother..
He was twice my age and was very good at manipulation... He was
very much like my grandfather in a lot of ways... Well, when it came time
to get married, I tried to talk to him and tell him that I was not ready yet..
I thought I was but I wasn't.. This turned into a major blowup and he put
me into that tiny little mental box he had me in so many times before and
I pretty much threw my hands up and gave in.. We got married on June
27th, 1995.. Even before we got married, I knew I didn't want to be with
this man.. I was not happy.. But, I didn't have a job because he wouldn't
allow me to work even when I wanted to, I had a car but he took it
off the road due to numerous problems, and I had no where to go.. My
parents were 700 miles away and, even they didn't know the extent of what
was going on.. And to tell you the truth, I was scared to death.. Our
relationship was never physically abusive but it was very emotionally
abusive and he had told me flat out when I told him that I wasn't happy
that he was not going to let me go.. So, I went into my "box" and stayed there..
 

Prince Charming

Well, I began writing poetry about my feelings and one day online, I
showed them to the right person.. I was waiting for a guy I had started
talking to who's life had just came crumbling down, <who is now my fiance!>
on top of him and the one I showed my poetry to came online.. We all
started talking and he asked me if this was all true what I had wrote in my
poetry.. I explained to him my story and he in turn called a friend of
his.. This woman is probably my best friend in the world! She told
Chuck to "go get her and bring her back here!".. In a matter of an hour,
I packed most of my stuff and awaited my prince charming's arrival!
As we were on out way out of town, my husband was just getting
home and finding the nice note I left him.. I know this was a cruel way
to leave but, I knew he wouldn't let me leave and this was the only
way.. I stayed with this woman for 3 months and for the first time knew
what it felt like to be free! Chuck and I Moved in together in March of '97
but after only a week our roommate told us we needed to move out.. So,
with no options left, I went back to my husband and Chuck moved
back home.. I was miserable.. I would write to Chuck almost everyday and
stay up all night so I could call him before he went to work.. I missed him
so much and couldn't think of anything but being with him again.. We
met back at our friends house a few times and always made the best of it
but we still had to say good bye.. That was the hardest thing I ever had
to do... Well, a friend of ours was having a party for the 4th of July
and I had already gotten "permission" from my husband.. So, on the 2nd
I and a friend of mine drove to this friend's house.. Chuck was not
supposed to get there 'til the 4th but in the middle of the night on the 3rd,
I woke up to his face only inches from mine.. It was the best way to wake
me up, let me tell you!! I was so happy to be with him once again.. Well,
on the 4th we had gone to the mall to get a few things.. We had been
gone for only 1/2 an hour but when we came out, the car was GONE!!
My husband decided to follow me and when I wasn't looking he took his
car.. So now, I was stranded with only the clothes on my back and my
puppy.. <I bought both me and Chuck a puppy when we first met>.. Well,
luckily I stayed with those friends until Chuck could transfer his job here
and then we got a place of our own.. In March of '98 we found out that I
was pregnant and then on Jan 2, 1999, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy!

If you just press the "next" button on each page, it will take you
throughout my entire web page from beginning to end.
 

Take a moment to check out our sponsor!